Beyond Resilience

MahimaMy first glimpse of the potential and possibility of the Three Principles understanding was during the Nepal earthquakes in 2015. In the midst of a volatile, uncertain time I found an inner source of resilience, resourcefulness and ease.

I’d only begun my explorations a few months before that by watching videos from the Three Principles Conference in London. When I found myself shaken and afraid, I realized this was going to be a defining moment- I was going to find out whether people are the victims of circumstance or whether we really do have freedom in any situation like these teachers were saying.

What I found was that my internal life of feelings and experience was independent of the external happenings in my life.

During those weeks after the earthquake I found my internal state could fluctuate between optimism and fear even if nothing changed on the outside- it was still Day 7 after the earthquake, aftershocks were still coming, the future was still uncertain and the enormous task of relief and rebuilding remained the same; yet my feelings about the earthquake, my life and the future could vary wildly from moment to moment.

That showed me the freedom we each have internally to experience life differently.

Since then, it seems to me the richness of that insight into the nature of how we human beings create our experience has continued to deepen and unfold. My sense of ease and light-heartedness has increased as has my optimism about life.

Grateful for the gifts and practical value this has brought into my life and work, I’ve begun to take this understanding into businesses, non-profits, communities and schools.

Convinced that people have untapped potential to resolve every challenge they face, I’ve started to reach out to a broader community of change makers across Asia and have begun the conversation of how we can better understand and resolve some of the biggest challenges in the region.

For anybody curious, interested or passionate about how this understanding can affect change in individuals, organizations and communities, you can reach me at

Mahima Shrestha

mahima@mopcommunications.com

Reviving the Joy of Teaching

Judith Sedgeman                            anni

The courses offered are:

  1. Redefining Mental Health. Instructor: Judith A. Sedgeman, EdD.
  1. Understanding Innate Resilience. Instructor: Judith A. Sedgeman, EdD.
  1. School Problem-Solving from the Inside-Out. Instructor: Judith A. Sedgeman, EdD.
  1. Innate Resilience in the Workplace. Instructor: Anni Poole.

The course instructors are qualified educators, both with years of teaching experience, and working in and with educational Institutions.

  • A series of four web-based courses offered globally by West Virginia

University, and developed with Center for Sustainable Change.

  • International Learning Units (ILU’s) indicating mastery of the material will be granted by West Virginia University to participants after a final quiz.
  • Center for Sustainable Change is dedicated to transforming the lives of children, youth and adults in distress. Its mission is to educate those who engage with young people about the transformative power of understanding the Principles of Innate Resilience, thereby generating sustainable change by empowering leaders in their own communities.
  • West Virginia University is a land-grant institution with the mission to deliver high-quality education, excel in discovery and innovation, model a culture of diversity and inclusion, promote health and vitality, and build pathways for the exchange of knowledge and opportunity between the state, the nation and the world.
  • Fee for the courses will be US $199 for each course taken individually, or

US $550 to register for and take all four sequentially (recommended).

Registration will start in April, 2016 and the first round of courses will open In May. Participants will register online with West Virginia University and payments are made to WVU.

For more details please contact Lynanne Lawhead:  lynanne@centerforsustainablechange.org

I think I’m not good enough, but really I am not listening with Molly Gordon

molly_embrace_500wSomething I noticed a couple of weeks ago was it looked to me like clients (and I could see it in myself too) would sometimes be looking for answers to questions that actually weren’t the questions Life was asking in the moment.

We get an idea in the moment and ask the question, “am I good enough to do this work?”, when the real question is: “what’s this moment calling for?  What’s showing up right in front of me? What does this kid need?  What is my heart telling me?”

We are all good enough. I think every human being is good enough to get the message in the moment, whatever that message is. I was joking with a client who was looking for the message about her business and I said well maybe the message is get a pedicure! Or bake the cookies, or teach algebra, or grade the papers, or write the emails. Sometimes, it looks like we get wrapped up in the questions and miss out on the answers that are sitting right in front of us. We are all good enough to get exactly the guidance we need in the moment it’s just that sometimes I look for something different, I think I need a different type of guidance, you know, I want it to be bigger guidance, or deeper guidance or whatever, and then I think I’m not good enough, but really I am not listening.

****************************************************************

One of the things that occurred to me as I was listening to Ami speak is the distinction between worthiness and competence.

Worthiness is not negotiable, it is a given and worthiness doesn’t actually attach to that personality that “I”ness, that personal self. Competence, whether it’s creating a wedding cake or teaching math or breaking up a fight, do I have the skills?  I don’t know.

What came to me when listening to you (Ami) is that in any moment we can show up and do what we can with what we’ve got.  If we are not wrapped up in worrying about whether we are good enough, at least for me if I’m not wrapped up in that conversation,  I tend to be better at gauging where I am, what is in front of me and what I have to work with.  But when I am with a client or anywhere in my life and I am worrying about how I am showing up or how I am doing then I start 2nd guessing myself and I disconnect from the person right in front of me or the situation.  I can’t do my best whatever that means if I am disconnected.

I keep hearing George Pransky in the back of my mind saying “that’s above my pay grade!” *It occurs to me that sometimes I start trying to work and think above my pay grade. In other words, we get into a territory, or my mind takes me to a territory outside of what I actually know and what I know how to do. And then I leave the territory of where I am good enough (the competence) and don’t feel good enough and it’s because I am trying to be beyond my pay grade. And every time I settle back down and just deal with where I am and what I’ve got and also have some trust that the other person has resources that are unknown to me, then things tend to fall into place.

European Tour III: Day 20 – Feeling the energy in Moscow

Day 20, Friday, July 10, 2015

Wow, today Masha, Tanya, Felix and I walked practically all day to places I never thought I would ever see in my life: Red Square, the church or cathedral building originally built by Ivan the Terrible that everyone knows as the symbol of Moscow, the Kremlin, the KGB offices. Just amazing.

Months ago I had seen a video of Paul McCartney in Red Square, which had really intrigued me—not only a great concert but an incredible look at the history of what the Beatles had meant to the people of Russia, and a very interesting look at Red Square—and had really made me want to visit here.

We also went into an unbelievably ornate Russian Orthodox Church with a tiny painting inside of the Mother Mary where the eye stares out at you and draws you in and which became a symbol of winning the war against the fascists.

I had no clear idea Russia had lost 29 million lives during World War II and that Moscow had essentially been bombed to the ground where almost no buildings were left standing. Walking around the huge city of Moscow I was amazed to see how normal everyday life seems here. One does not get the idea at all of it being an oppressive police state where freedoms are denied, an image it is easy to get from the perspective of the United States government. The vestiges of communism and the Soviet Union are almost completely gone; occasionally one will see a building built by Stalin or an image of Lenin, but that’s it.

Deep Listening and Healing

I had a healing with Olga today that was really amazing. She has an incredible gift, which I learned about as we were taking the train from St. Petersburg to Moscow, that she discovered several years ago and which she didn’t want, but then realized she could use it to heal others.

I have been experiencing a couple of fairly minor but annoying physical problems that I brought to her. But she deals with the spiritual or energetic source. I won’t go into the details of what she said to me, but she said one thing that shook me up. She said I needed to forgive “my wife” because it was blocking the free energy flow within me.

Well, probing a little (with Masha as interpreter) we discovered it was about me forgiving Amy. I thought I had forgiven Amy! But when she said it I could feel the emotion welling up in me, so I knew it was true. And forgiveness is not something you can make happen; you have to feel it, feel the reason to do it, such as seeing true innocence. So I have to point myself in that direction and see what comes.

But talk about deep listening! Healers and (true) psychics are the most amazing of deep listeners. They can actually hear thinking that is so hidden from us (but that still gets picked up by consciousness and made “real”) that we wouldn’t even know we were thinking it and living through it but is still having a tremendous affect on us. Incredible experience!

The post European Tour III: Day 20 – Feeling the energy in Moscow appeared first on Center for Inside-Out Understanding.

European Tour III: Day 4 – It can’t get better

Day 4, Thursday, June 24, 2015

Beach in GreeceThe first day of the Understanding the Deeper Realms of One-on-One Work training retreat was a success. The highlight was when I used myself and my own situation as a guinea pig and asked people, “If I came to you devastated and in despair about what happened to me losing the love of my life, what would you say to me as a counselor or coach?

People were all over the map.  No one at first gave me love, comfort, soothing and understanding, which is what I really needed at first to be able to hear any of the other good things people had to say. I was able to switch in and out of roles of being the client and being the “supervisor” stepping outside the process, commenting on the coaching or counseling that came my way.

There is such a difference when people say things out of deep listening and that deep connection, and when people say things they think are supposed to be said in Three Principles work.

We did a lot of deep listening practice. I’m really looking forward to tomorrow.

I LOVE Greece! The feeling here and the beauty are spectacular. We are in a retreat format so we met at 10:00 in the morning and took the afternoon off, where we went to the beach and I took my ½ hour swim in the gorgeous Mediterranean. Then we met again in the evening and had dinner together. This is definitely the way to go. Claire’s husband summed it up best when he said, “It can’t get better than this!” I can feel healing taking place.

The post European Tour III: Day 4 – It can’t get better appeared first on Center for Inside-Out Understanding.

Excerpt from Telesummit 2014 Kyra’s Story by Peter Anderson

Peter-AndersonThere’s a film that we’ve just published fairly recently, this Summer, called “Kyra’s Story.” It’s on the Three Principles Movies website. And when you see Kyra, she looks an absolutely delightful child, and she absolutely is. But her mum phoned me to say… and this was at the last school that I was working at, and her mum phoned me to say, “Look I think she’s turning into a psychopath here and can I get some child and adult mental health involvement.”

And I said, “Well, that takes ages. Why don’t you come in and talk to me for a bit, and let me just talk to you about this understanding.”

So mum was quite interested and then Kyra came in and started talking to me and she was a very insightful little girl. I mean this was a little girl that was using foul language to other children; she was hitting out at other children; we were getting lots of complaints on a daily basis from other children and their parents.

And yet there’s a little girl sitting there, 9 years old, saying to me, “Well look, I know I’m being horrible to people but I go home and I think, “Oh I’m going to be different.” And then I come in the next morning and everybody treats me the same and I get really angry.”

So we started talking about our thoughts and our feelings and this little girl just perked up and you saw her just come alive. And we used a little snow globe which I had in the office, and she sort of shook that up and I’m saying to her, “You know what, that’s a bit like our thinking really, that when we get all agitated and we get cross, it’s like you’re shaking that snow globe and it’s really, really absolutely thick with the snow in it. And yet you stand the snow globe down, and you just sit back for a little while, and it all settles, and you get some clarity.”

And she loved that and hooked onto that and so that whole sense of, if she could let things calm down a little, then she would get greater clarity about what to do and how to be. And it changed things for her absolutely dramatically, and she became then a very popular child in the school. And yet she actually was the bully. I mean there’s several people said that in the film but her mum felt quite uncomfortable, this was in one of the first cuts of it, and so mum asked us to remove it. And we said, you know, we’d remove anything she didn’t feel comfortable with and that we wanted to use this as a story that might be helpful to others. So that bit got taken out but that was what she was being called. And yet that changed things for her and she’s become a really helpful child; she’s helping others; now she’s sharing the understanding with other children. And I think, just going back to the last bit that Ami said about starting small – even as small as that, that can start to make a huge difference within that school community.

Peter Anderson

www.andersonwellbeing.com

About deep listening

OanaMy son Vlad is six and a half. He enjoys playing outside with the kids. There are about five kids near the block, besides him, who are playing outside every afternoon after school. Kids are usually supervised by their parents. I leave Vlad by himself because I think he is old enough to get some confidence in his own strength and to start looking after himself.

One day I hear the kids outside playing and tell Vlad “Hey sweetie, kids are outside, do you wish to go and play with them?” The usual reaction would be him running at the window, looking and then rushing to put clothes on (without even asking for help as when we go to some less desired places) and living in a hurry with a lot of enthusiasm.

What answer do I get now? “I don’t wish to go outside, mom!”

You can imagine my surprise. I ask why, hardly listening to him, and he tells me “Kids won’t play with me.” Not listening careful enough I just answered something like “How did you get this idea? I’m sure they will play with you.” And ended the topic, Vlad went to play on the Ipad and I continued what I was doing without giving it a second thought.

The next day the same, he doesn’t want to go outside. Babysitter tells me the same. After a few weeks of ignoring the issue, one day, when I’m coming back from work he is with the nanny outside. Children were playing like 50 meters away and he was playing in our little front yard with the cats.  I want to go in and ask him if he stays outside. He says again no. I ask him why and he tells me angry “I told you before, kids won’t play with me!” I am on the edge of getting angry and shouting at him that that’s just stupid, when I get another thought: “I might try to figure all out, what is going on with him.” So I’m asking: “Do you want me to go to Maia and ask if she will play with you?” And he says “Yes!” So living my judgment’s behind, regarding how can I go as an adult to ask a kid if she’s playing with mine, I’m going to Maia and ask. “Hi Maia! Vlad tells me that you are not playing with him, is that right? She answers “I do, I will, ask Danut.” So I’m thinking something is fishy here… and I ask Danut: “Danut, will you play with Vlad?” and he says yes but Maia should tell you…good. So I am turning again my attention to Maia and ask her, “Did something happened, Maia?” and she starts shyly to tell a story about Vlad punching Danut younger brother…”But he didn’t want to, It was an accident!” and she also tells me “Go ask his father! „Good, I’m telling to myself, it seems I’m getting to an end. Asking the dad it turns out he told Vlad in an angry voice: “If you can’t play nicely with the kids, don’t show up here anymore!” My first thought when I heard that was “How can he talk like that with children? And then he explains me some more “I didn’t hit him or anything…”  I could kill him for that!” I didn’t’ acted on it though… I nicely asked him that if he has some problems with Vlad in the future to approach me.

I’m calling Vlad and he comes shyly. I’m telling him that nobody is angry at him, he is allowed to play with the kids and all that in front of the dad which approves. So my little beloved boy immediately goes to them and start engaging in their games.

I was so sad that Vlad had to go through all this without my support and that I was blind and deaf enough for a few weeks to see and hear what was going on. I wonder how painful it was for him all that time to see the children playing outside and thinking that he is not welcomed or accepted. I went to him, apologized for not seeing it sooner and asked him to tell me if any adult approaches him in the future on any topic. I explained him that I give him the freedom to be by himself outside but this comes with the risk of me not being there to support him if needed. I asked him again to tell me what is going on so I can do that, stand by him and be there for him. “Kids should deal with kids and adults with adults!”…”Yes, when some adult talks to me I will come and tell you or Geta or Corina, whoever is with me!”…

 

Oana Vaideanu

http://www.oanavaideanu.com/en

About deep listening

OanaMy son Vlad is six and a half. He enjoys playing outside with the kids. There are about five kids near the block, besides him, who are playing outside every afternoon after school. Kids are usually supervised by their parents. I leave Vlad by himself because I think he is old enough to get some confidence in his own strength and to start looking after himself.

One day I hear the kids outside playing and tell Vlad “Hey sweetie, kids are outside, do you wish to go and play with them?” The usual reaction would be him running at the window, looking and then rushing to put clothes on (without even asking for help as when we go to some less desired places) and living in a hurry with a lot of enthusiasm.

What answer do I get now? “I don’t wish to go outside, mom!”

You can imagine my surprise. I ask why, hardly listening to him, and he tells me “Kids won’t play with me.” Not listening careful enough I just answered something like “How did you get this idea? I’m sure they will play with you.” And ended the topic, Vlad went to play on the Ipad and I continued what I was doing without giving it a second thought.

The next day the same, he doesn’t want to go outside. Babysitter tells me the same. After a few weeks of ignoring the issue, one day, when I’m coming back from work he is with the nanny outside. Children were playing like 50 meters away and he was playing in our little front yard with the cats.  I want to go in and ask him if he stays outside. He says again no. I ask him why and he tells me angry “I told you before, kids won’t play with me!” I am on the edge of getting angry and shouting at him that that’s just stupid, when I get another thought: “I might try to figure all out, what is going on with him.” So I’m asking: “Do you want me to go to Maia and ask if she will play with you?” And he says “Yes!” So living my judgment’s behind, regarding how can I go as an adult to ask a kid if she’s playing with mine, I’m going to Maia and ask. “Hi Maia! Vlad tells me that you are not playing with him, is that right? She answers “I do, I will, ask Danut.” So I’m thinking something is fishy here… and I ask Danut: “Danut, will you play with Vlad?” and he says yes but Maia should tell you…good. So I am turning again my attention to Maia and ask her, “Did something happened, Maia?” and she starts shyly to tell a story about Vlad punching Danut younger brother…”But he didn’t want to, It was an accident!” and she also tells me “Go ask his father! „Good, I’m telling to myself, it seems I’m getting to an end. Asking the dad it turns out he told Vlad in an angry voice: “If you can’t play nicely with the kids, don’t show up here anymore!” My first thought when I heard that was “How can he talk like that with children? And then he explains me some more “I didn’t hit him or anything…”  I could kill him for that!” I didn’t’ acted on it though… I nicely asked him that if he has some problems with Vlad in the future to approach me.

I’m calling Vlad and he comes shyly. I’m telling him that nobody is angry at him, he is allowed to play with the kids and all that in front of the dad which approves. So my little beloved boy immediately goes to them and start engaging in their games.

I was so sad that Vlad had to go through all this without my support and that I was blind and deaf enough for a few weeks to see and hear what was going on. I wonder how painful it was for him all that time to see the children playing outside and thinking that he is not welcomed or accepted. I went to him, apologized for not seeing it sooner and asked him to tell me if any adult approaches him in the future on any topic. I explained him that I give him the freedom to be by himself outside but this comes with the risk of me not being there to support him if needed. I asked him again to tell me what is going on so I can do that, stand by him and be there for him. “Kids should deal with kids and adults with adults!”…”Yes, when some adult talks to me I will come and tell you or Geta or Corina, whoever is with me!”…

 

Oana Vaideanu

http://www.oanavaideanu.com/en

A Story from Dr Bill Pettit

Dr Bill PettitMy father and I had had a lot of conflicts and did until I learned the Principles. And his parenting score, and my mother’s went from about 22 to 98.5, and nothing changed except my state of mind and my level of understanding.

I was in a junior year at Creighton University in pre-med and I’d run out of money and there were six children in our family and I ran out of ability to get money. And I worked the last semester, my kids always get their little violins out, but the last semester of my junior year in pre-med, I worked from 11 at night til 7 in the morning as a hotel clerk, 14 blocks from the university where I walked back and forth to school, most of the time. And then I went to pre-med during the day studying embryology and comparative anatomy and organic chemistry etc.

So at the end of my junior year I was exhausted and I called up my father to tell him in no uncertain terms that I was going to quit, after three years of college I was going to quit. This was 1963, so the war over in Thailand was just starting up and I was going to quit and I was going to call the Marines’ recruiter today and go down and join the Marines.

Now I was waiting for my father to tell me something like, “That’s a stupid idea,” and I was going to hang up, I was going to slam the phone down and show him who was boss. And instead my father listened and I got all through and my father listened and he said, “You know Bill, it seems sad…” I’m paraphrasing probably, but something to the effect, “You’re so close, you’re just one year away from getting your degree, it seems a shame that you’re not able to find… I wish I had the capability to help you. You know I don’t right now, but it seems a shame but I want you to know…” I can’t even tell the story without getting choked up, “I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and that I totally respect whatever decision you make.” Wow! I thought the martians had taken over the planet and supplanted my father with somebody that didn’t know our relationship. I was speechless. I said, “Thanks Dad.” And I hung up and I said, I know there’s got to be a way to finish this last year of school. And I did, I got a job living in a mortuary my senior year… picking up bodies in the middle of the night… and I found a way and I went on to medical school.

But I tell that because at that moment, wisdom guided him to… he may well have had the thoughts coming into his head, “I need to tell him that’s the dumbest damn thing I’ve ever heard,” but he didn’t vocalize that thought. What he listened to was the love that he had for me and now that I was 21 years old, the respect that he had for me, that I had to make my own decisions. And I’ll never forget that. I’ll never forget the love that I felt from him and the respect. So I share that for what it’s worth.

 

If you would like to get in touch with Dr Pettit for a consultation, you can do so at:  wfpettitjr@gmail.com

 

 

Losing a Story and Finding a Daughter by Sue Pankiewicz

Sue PankiewiczIn my many years’ long and determined search to find a cure, locate a fix and try to control my dear daughter’s recovery from her mental illness, I experienced a kind of blindness. She has been recovering during this time and I simply didn’t see it clearly, and sometimes not at all. In my searching and thinking about how to bring her back to me I missed her being with me all along.

But how could this be? Although I could write for hours about this, here is my understanding in a nutshell – (still quite a big nutshell).

I had a seemingly well seventeen-year-old daughter, notwithstanding some of the common disputes that are associated with parents and their teenage children, who disappeared overnight, into a traumatic and frightening experience of a psychotic breakdown leading to a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia.

For a long time after she first became ‘ill’ I blamed myself for having been a negligent, incompetent, selfish and useless mother. Other mothers managed to raise healthy, successful, well-balanced and successful children – I had many friends and colleagues who I could see doing just that. It didn’t seem to count that I had three other thriving children. It didn’t stop me from blaming others either.

Through the years I nurtured a deep belief that she would get better, that she would stop hearing voices, believing bizarre thoughts and acting on them. I didn’t find any support for my belief within the medical professional and yet it persisted.

The good news is that what I had was a true sense of her innate wellbeing, resilience and inner mental health – seeing all the rest as an overlay of dense, speeded up, unregulated and random thinking, which she could not differentiate.

The bad news is that I had a rigid idea of what recovery would be, what it would look like and how soon it needed to be achieved. So the picture in my head and the accompanying story of ‘her’ – of who she really was and who she could become again – was entirely my own creation I took to be truth. I assumed that she had just lost sight of this same picture and this same story, and undoubtedly she wanted the same for herself as I wanted for her.

So there I was – I had a goal and an underlying faith in her own potential for wellbeing, alongside no idea how divisive and destructive the former would prove to be or how little I would pay attention to the latter. I had no idea how I myself would be creating every moment of my experience, as I embarked in fear on what I saw as a nightmare journey.

What I now see, close to fourteen years on, is that my own story, crafted from my own thoughts, opinions, beliefs and ego is all that really came between me and the possibility of going through the circumstances and situations that occurred, with the loving grace that comes from a quiet mind. I thought her mind was the problem to fix and unknowingly I used my own confused and troubled one to try to do the fixing – great solution!!

She hasn’t been in crisis for several years and she lives happily and independently with her partner of 17 years, having weathered the earlier storms of their relationship.  She takes medication, is restricted by her symptoms and limited by her avoidance of any situation she thinks causes her to feel disturbed and uncomfortable.  Looks like wisdom is working very well.

These are still some of the consequences and ongoing features that she lives with that can still trouble me, but I no longer feel the need to burden her with my negative feelings and behaviours. I know how I feel is an exact reflection of my own troubled thinking and not caused by who she is or what she says or does. This understanding frees me up to let my feelings pass. Thus we spend more time with each other living in the present moment where she can rely on me to stay in my wellbeing, to not judge or criticize her, find her failing, or try to sneak in a new ‘fix’. I hope you can imagine how different this must feel.

I have enormous respect for this child of mine, whose psychotic experiences have wreaked such havoc in her life. I am humbled by her non-judgement of me even as I behaved in very judgemental ways with her. I am grateful to her for her acceptance of me regardless of what I think I have been like – moody, withdrawn, awkward, critical and blind. And for her tolerance of my overt attempts to change her thinking, appearance and lifestyle and her complete lack of self-pity and complaint I am in awe.

In regaining this precious daughter who was always there I know she is gaining a far wiser, kinder and more loving mother who is no longer blinded by her own self-created story stuck in front of her eyes.

Sue Pankiewicz

www.principledwellbeing.com