So You Want to Be an Inside-Out Coach?

“If the only thing people learned was to not be afraid of their experience, that alone would change the world.”—Sydney Banks

When it comes to the inside-out paradigm, and coaching or teaching from this perspective, here’s something that my many years of working with athletes, teams, organizations, families, and all kinds of clients has taught me:

It’s simply insufficient to tell others that objects, circumstances, events, people, or environments can’t cause them to feel a certain way. It’s simply insufficient to tell them that their thinking, not the object or circumstance, causes their feelings. And it’s simply insufficient to try to prove the two previous points by saying something along the lines of: “If the object or circumstance was causing you to feel bad, then you’d always feel bad in the presence of the object or circumstance.”


Well, as a so-called inside-out coach, I, or you, can’t have it both ways. It’s flat-out confusing to suggest to others that what they experience is fashioned from inside to out and, at the same time, infer that what they experience is genuine, permanent, or real. In other words, what human beings experience is either a projection of consciousness from within (from God) or it’s not. And if it is, then the true reason that objects and circumstances can’t cause feelings is because outside of experience, outside of the projection, objects and circumstances can’t survive.

To illustrate, let’s say a pro golfer who’s just missed a ten-foot putt to win a major championship is feeling awful, and he calls me for help. The facts, to him, are: He missed the putt, he feels awful, and he wants to feel better. Now, since at the moment he’s clearly connecting his feelings to the missed putt, if I tell him they’re not connected, that he’s only feeling his thinking, odds are he’s not going to see it. However, if I help him recognize what the human experience truly is, and where it comes from, then it won’t matter if he’s connecting his feelings to the missed putt or not.

What will matter?

That he’ll stop fearing and fighting the experience because he now understands that it’s nothing more than an uncontrollable, impermanent, or unreal projection of consciousness from within. And it’s not logical to fear and fight an uncontrollable, impermanent, or unreal projection from within (again, from God).

Make sense? If yes, here are my final questions for the coach in you today: Are you ready to jump full bore into what the inside-out paradigm really stands for? Are you ready to consider that the widespread assumption that we experience objects and circumstances because they’re permanent/real might be mistaken? Are you ready to help others end their external search for happiness by resolutely pointing away from the transient content of experience and inward toward its permanent source?

You see, from where I sit, you simply can’t help a fellow human being by validating, in any way, shape, or form, the assumption mentioned above. What’s experienced cannot endure independent of the power to experience. That’s the foundation of the inside-out paradigm. The inside (within or God) creates the outside (what’s experienced). To make it as an inside-out coach, there must be zero percent wiggle room when it comes to this fundamental fact.

Thank you for reading,

What’s Essential

About ten years ago, my son Ryan was going through a rough break-up with his first girlfriend. Sadly, his thinking was getting the better of him. He just couldn’t wrap his head around losing someone who, he thought, was such an essential part of his life.

One day, in the midst of this struggle, I made my way upstairs to his bedroom, hugged him, and said, “I know you’re upset, kid, but remember, nothing or no one is essential to your life—except the consciousness from which your life is created.”

With a puzzled look on his face, Ryan asked, “Isn’t Mommy essential to your life? Don’t you two need each other?”

I replied, “Ry, if something happened to your mother, I’d be devastated, but I’d survive. No, we don’t need each other. And, believe it or not, the fact that we don’t need each other, or knowing that we’re not essential to each other’s existence, is why our bond is so strong.”

Ryan smiled and admitted, “I don’t really get it, Dad, but for some reason that’s comforting.”

“Back burner it, kid. We’ll talk about it another day. You want to throw some pitches?”


And off we went.

Flash forward a decade, both Ryan and I “get it” a whole lot clearer now.

While experiences come and experiences go, the ever-present space of consciousness is permanent (i.e., essential). Like the screen on your computer, consciousness remains the same. What projects out of the screen—sometimes wonderful, sometimes regrettable—does not.

As for the reason why understanding the above is the source of such a strong and loving union, here you go:

Because you cannot be in love and lack something at the same time, love is the complete absence of anything personal. Love has no personal wants, no personal needs; no push, no pull; no ego, no demands. Love makes no attempt to derive something from the other.

Rather, love is a deep knowing that two people share, and are sourced by, the divine presence of consciousness. Not an exploration of two separate or impermanent selves, love’s an exploration of only what’s essential; only what lasts forever. It’s through this mutual exploration, or journey, that two human beings become ONE.

Thank you for reading,