How To Fall Back In Love

PictureJyll Kashmann Photo

What if I happen to fall out of love after marrying, will it be possible to fall back in love? This is a common question I get from couples who see me for premarital counseling.
They’ve heard numerous tales of woe from friends and family. The old adage… “until death do us part,” has lost it’s glory, if not it’s meaning.


Couples fear the feeling of inevitable pain and suffering if they get too close to one another and something goes awry. No one wants a broken heart.

My answer is always the same – or at least some rendition of same: Yes, you will most likely fall out of love at some point, and back in love and out and back in again, perhaps several times. Why is that? Because love is mood related, and anyone who thinks thoughts, will experience moods. Bad moods are the result of low quality thoughts and high moods are the result of high quality thoughts. Get it? Moods and thoughts are thoroughly connected.
Falling in and out of love is an illusion created by the way in which we use Mind, Thought and Consciousness. These Three Principles are at work within each of us 24/7. They are working behind the scenes. Think of the process as being much like that of a theatrical production, in which there are those who are not seen, but they are crucial to producing the scenes of the play.

Thoughts deliver up our reality in every moment we are alive. We think whatever we think and consciousness brings our thoughts to life, though we may not even know what we’re thinking. Who stops to think about this? Not many; we just go about our business and experience it. It’s like what happens when we are immersed in a movie on the big screen just as if we are in it, “live~~in living color”. Then we remember, oh; this is just a movie.
The same is true in relationships. We can feel very close to a partner but will never actually be inside the others thought process. So, no matter how close, no one ever truly has the exact same thought experience. We each still have our own separate realities. In fact, even within our own heads, our reality shifts and transforms with each new thought. It may happen faster than our awareness of it.

What does this have to do with falling in and out of love? Everything; because our experience of love also comes from thought and consciousness, making loving as well as hateful thoughts appear to be 100 percent real. One day your partner may appear to be a monster because he forgot to take out the garbage after you reminded him three times. You might think that he forgot on purpose just to make you mad. When people are stressed, tired, bothered, feeling pressured, or on deadline at the office, emotional function may be temporarily impaired. This is a fact that affects every human being.
Given this explanation, does the idea of falling out of love still seem so frightening? Hopefully not.

In summary, here’s what I know from my understanding of how Mind, Thought and Consciousness creates experience: You will probably feel like you’ve fallen out of love at some point. It doesn’t mean it’s the end of the relationship. Because love is thought/mood related… You always have the potential to fall back in love. You don’t have to take anything you think too seriously. You have free will to choose the thoughts you want to entertain further. Thoughts come and go on their own.

When the heart is open and personal thinking does not take precedence, wonderful and unexpected things tend to happen. Judgements and expectations are not truth, they are thoughts. In other words, people fall in love when they’re not looking! It sneaks up and seems to come from out of the blue, but now we know; it comes (like any nice feeling) when we’ve gotten out of our own way!

I’d love to hear from you about what you think about the process of falling in and out of love and what you’d like to learn more about.

How To Fall Back In Love

11/15/2011

Jyll Kashmann Photo

What if I happen to fall out of love after marrying, will it be possible to fall back in love? This is a common question I get from couples who see me for premarital counseling. They’ve heard numerous tales of woe from friends and family. The old adage… “until death do us part,” has lost it’s glory, if not it’s meaning.

Couples fear the feeling of inevitable pain and suffering if they get too close to one another and something goes awry. No one wants a broken heart.

My answer is always the same – or at least some rendition of same: Yes, you will most likely fall out of love at some point, and back in love and out and back in again, perhaps several times. Why is that? Because love is mood related, and anyone who thinks thoughts, will experience moods. Bad moods are the result of low quality thoughts and high moods are the result of high quality thoughts. Get it? Moods and thoughts are thoroughly connected.

Falling in and out of love is an illusion created by the way in which we use Mind, Thought and Consciousness. These Three Principles are at work within each of us 24/7. They are working behind the scenes. Think of the process as being much like that of a theatrical production, in which there are those who are not seen, but they are crucial to producing the scenes of the play.

Thoughts deliver up our reality in every moment we are alive. We think whatever we think and consciousness brings our thoughts to life, though we may not even know what we’re thinking. Who stops to think about this? Not many; we just go about our business and experience it. It’s like what happens when we are immersed in a movie on the big screen just as if we are in it, “live~~in living color”. Then we remember, oh; this is just a movie.

The same is true in relationships. We can feel very close to a partner but will never actually be inside the others thought process. So, no matter how close, no one ever truly has the exact same thought experience. We each still have our own separate realities. In fact, even within our own heads, our reality shifts and transforms with each new thought. It may happen faster than our awareness of it.

What does this have to do with falling in and out of love? Everything; because our experience of love also comes from thought and consciousness, making loving as well as hateful thoughts appear to be 100 percent real. One day your partner may appear to be a monster because he forgot to take out the garbage after you reminded him three times. You might think that he forgot on purpose just to make you mad. When people are stressed, tired, bothered, feeling pressured, or on deadline at the office, emotional function may be temporarily impaired. This is a fact that affects every human being.

Given this explanation, does the idea of falling out of love still seem so frightening? Hopefully not.

In summary, here’s what I know from my understanding of how Mind, Thought and Consciousness creates experience: You will probably feel like you’ve fallen out of love at some point. It doesn’t mean it’s the end of the relationship. Because love is thought/mood related… You always have the potential to fall back in love. You don’t have to take anything you think too seriously. You have free will to choose the thoughts you want to entertain further. Thoughts come and go on their own.

When the heart is open and personal thinking does not take precedence, wonderful and unexpected things tend to happen. Judgements and expectations are not truth, they are thoughts. In other words, people fall in love when they’re not looking! It sneaks up and seems to come from out of the blue, but now we know; it comes (like any nice feeling) when we’ve gotten out of our own way!

I’d love to hear from you about what you think about the process of falling in and out of love and what you’d like to learn more about.

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Powering Up

Bill Canfield Photo

11/07/2011

Oh, the things we take for granted in life; like heat, electricity, hot showers and refrigeration. I was amongst the 884,000 who lost power in Connecticut, for over a week. 767,000 lost power during Hurricane Irene.

I’ve backpacked in the Himalayas for 5 days and I’ve biked the South Island of New Zealand, some twenty years ago. It was thrilling to feel so self sufficient back then. That was by choice however. When life without power was not a choice, things began to go haywire in my mind on day eleven. Up until that point, I marveled at how well I could handle it.

I’d lug my 40 pound suitcase up the staircases of friends and family fortunate enough to still have power. I left small items behind, no less important because they were small. A misplaced cell phone charger forced me to conserve on telephone time; forgotten flip flops forced me to get creative in order to shower at the gym, without risking foot fungus, by standing on plastic bags. I mostly enjoyed the experience of my mind creating solutions to new problems – until day eleven when my mind began to implode.

I began to feel sad and angry that it happened at all, and even worse, that it happened to me. I began to worry what would happen when the power did finally come on – would the surge fry my computer? I began to wonder where to begin first in my basement where three inches of water sat for over a week. I fretted that I was becoming a nuisance to my friends and family who gave me shelter.

The miracle of it was that I knew what was causing me to feel so miserable. I knew that my mind was doing it to me. Fortunately, I had been exposed to an understanding of three Principles that explain all human experiences. It allowed me to rely upon the knowledge that my scared, helpless feelings would pass, that human beings are resilient and capable of bouncing back when the mind clears. I could rely upon that knowledge; it brought me a modicum of peace. Then before I knew it, life delivered something new to focus on as my young nieces brought their beading projects to me to untangle, twist closed, or bend into shape. I adore them, they provide such delicious diversions. My mind cleared, all on it’s own, just as Syd Banks taught me during his talks about the 3 Principles that explain the human condition. I marveled at the natural way that happens. I could observe my own resiliency.

Through all the ups and downs of life, I now know that is the experience of consciousness bringing my thoughts to life. As conscious beings, everything we think in each and every moment appears just as real as real can be. As humans we get to experience an unlimited array of feelings and experiences. How fortunate we are to be alive and to embrace whatever life brings us.

I realize that the same conditions have been present in my life for eleven days; I’ve been without a home, because it was just too cold and dark to spend any time there. Yet the place that I always live is in my own mind. There were moments of glory when I thought about the adventure of it and there were moments of horror when I thought about what would greet me when I returned. The 3 Principles explain so eloquently how temporary our experiences are and that they come from within ourselves, not from external events and circumstances even though it appears that way.

Syd Banks would say; “life is like a contact sport, we’ll never get through it without our bumps and bruises, but we don’t have to hang ourselves in the process.”

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Powering Up

PictureBill Canfield Photo


Oh, the things we take for granted in life; like heat, electricity, hot showers and refrigeration. I was amongst the 884,000 who lost power in Connecticut, for over a week. 767,000 lost power during Hurricane Irene.



I’ve backpacked in the Himalayas for 5 days and I’ve biked the South Island of New Zealand, some twenty years ago. It was thrilling to feel so self sufficient back then. That was by choice however. When life without power was not a choice, things began to go haywire in my mind on day eleven. Up until that point, I marveled at how well I could handle it.

I’d lug my 40 pound suitcase up the staircases of friends and family fortunate enough to still have power. I left small items behind, no less important because they were small. A misplaced cell phone charger forced me to conserve on telephone time; forgotten flip flops forced me to get creative in order to shower at the gym, without risking foot fungus, by standing on plastic bags. I mostly enjoyed the experience of my mind creating solutions to new problems – until day eleven when my mind began to implode.

I began to feel sad and angry that it happened at all, and even worse, that it happened to me. I began to worry what would happen when the power did finally come on – would the surge fry my computer? I began to wonder where to begin first in my basement where three inches of water sat for over a week. I fretted that I was becoming a nuisance to my friends and family who gave me shelter.

The miracle of it was that I knew what was causing me to feel so miserable. I knew that my mind was doing it to me. Fortunately, I had been exposed to an understanding of three Principles that explain all human experiences. It allowed me to rely upon the knowledge that my scared, helpless feelings would pass, that human beings are resilient and capable of bouncing back when the mind clears. I could rely upon that knowledge; it brought me a modicum of peace. Then before I knew it, life delivered something new to focus on as my young nieces brought their beading projects to me to untangle, twist closed, or bend into shape. I adore them, they provide such delicious diversions. My mind cleared, all on it’s own, just as Syd Banks taught me during his talks about the 3 Principles that explain the human condition. I marveled at the natural way that happens. I could observe my own resiliency.
Through all the ups and downs of life, I now know that is the experience of consciousness bringing my thoughts to life. As conscious beings, everything we think in each and every moment appears just as real as real can be. As humans we get to experience an unlimited array of feelings and experiences. How fortunate we are to be alive and to embrace whatever life brings us.

I realize that the same conditions have been present in my life for eleven days; I’ve been without a home, because it was just too cold and dark to spend any time there. Yet the place that I always live is in my own mind. There were moments of glory when I thought about the adventure of it and there were moments of horror when I thought about what would greet me when I returned. The 3 Principles explain so eloquently how temporary our experiences are and that they come from within ourselves, not from external events and circumstances even though it appears that way.

Syd Banks would say; “life is like a contact sport, we’ll never get through it without our bumps and bruises, but we don’t have to hang ourselves in the process.”